A Third Public Service Announcement from The Justice Trio

INT. – MENTAL ASYLUM – LOBBY - DAY

The entrance lobby of an asylum. SQUIDJEW, wearing his typical uniform and squid hand puppet/hat, and KILLMAN 5000, also wearing his day-to-day uniform, sit on a couch and read magazines. Above the puke-green colored bit of furniture, there is a mostly white sheet of paper in a frame. The only drawing on the piece of paper is a bright yellow circle in the middle of the page.

SquidJew looks up at the camera.

SQUIDJEW

Ah, hello. I did not see you come in. You know, when

Killman and I have to deal with problems in Houston,

we don’t get mad or upset. Do we, Killman?

Killman continues looking at the sheet of paper in front of him.

KILLMAN

You do, SquidJew. That’s kind of your thing.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Cut. I am sick and fucking tired of you fucking

superheroes. When will you learn that you have to

memorize the script?

Killman looks up, just to the left of the camera.

KILLMAN

Oh, I’m sorry, Herr Kubrick. I didn’t know this was a

work of cinematic brilliance. Perhaps we should shoot

in black and white to get some fucking ambience.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

I will not tolerate being insulted by a God-damned

actor. Especially one who can—

Killman leaps up from the couch, throws the magazine to the left of the camera—SMACKING a boom mic in the process—and points his finger towards where the magazine went.

KILLMAN

One more word and I swear to God I will touch you.

Wanna be boiled alive from the inside, motherfucker?

A very uncomfortable silence follows. A crew member (O.S.) COUGHS. Killman nods and sits back down.

SquidJew, shocked, stares at Killman.

SQUIDJEW

Dude.

KILLMAN

What?

SQUIDJEW

That was fuckin intense.

Killman shrugs and picks up another magazine from a side table. He opens it and starts reading.

KILLMAN

I hate doing these PSAs. This one’s got to be

the worst we’ve done.

SQUIDJEW

Just wait until the next one.

KILLMAN

What’s it going to be?

SQUIDJEW

I don’t know, but it’s going to be bad, I can

tell you that.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Okay.

SHUFFLING (o.s.) as the two superheros sit on the couch. SquidJew twiddles his thumbs.

DIRECTOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Okay. Can we get the cue cards up here? Let’s

start again.

Camera jiggles a second. Crew member with clapper steps in front of SquidJew and Killman. Chalk words on the front, which read

JUSTICE TRIO PSA #3 – TAKE VI

CREW MEMBER

Justice Trio PSA number 3. Take six.

He SMACKS the top of the clapper and walks out of the shot.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Action.

SquidJew looks up and smiles.

SQUIDJEW

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you come in. Y’know, when

Killman 5000 and I have to save the day down here

deep in the heart of Texas, we don’t get upset. Do

we, Killman?

KILLMAN

Nope.

SQUIDJEW

And why would that be?

KILLMAN

It’d be stupid.

SQUIDJEW

That’s right, children and adults. When

you get upset, then you can’t think as

well as you normally do.

KILLMAN

    (under his breath)

Kind of like when you’re being screched

at by a wannabe Hitchcock.

SquidJew LAUGHS stiltedly.

SQUIDJEW

When you’re upset, bad things happen. Say,

Killman, what do you think would have

happened if I had been upset when we had to

go up against The Land Salmon?

KILLMAN

What, the fish that you talked to before Demo

crushed it with a construction crane?

Killman tosses the magazine aside and props his feet up on the table in front of them.

KILLMAN

I reckon we would have actually had to have

fought Herr Shark instead of waiting for a

school of fish to rip him to shreds, why?

SquidJew squints at a point just below the camera.

SQUIDJEW

That wasn’t in the script.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Cut. Neither was anything about a land salmon.

SQUIDJEW

I felt the script needed a little fresh air.

You know, it needed to be brought to life a

little bit.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

You’re mixing your metaphors.

The director SIGHS.

CREW MEMBER (O.S.)

We need a union break. It’s getting to eleven

o’clock. Union regs state we get a break then.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Of course, union regs. Fine. Everyone break for

twenty. Can we get a couple scripts for these

two, please?

CREW MEMBER (O.S.)

Nope, we’re on break.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Jesus Christ.

Killman picks up yet another magazine.

KILLMAN

This magazine’s four years old. How about a

new one?

SQUIDJEW

And hey, let’s forego the script. Killman and I

used to do improv in college. We got this. Theme’s

easy enough.

KILLMAN

I never did improv in college.

SQUIDJEW

But you know what it is.

KILLMAN

Yeah.

SQUIDJEW

Good enough. You know more than most people

doing improv at a college level.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Fine, after the break you can improv. Just hit

the tagline: “Don’t get upset, that’d be insane.”

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

SquidJew is asleep on the couch, SNORING. Killman pokes him awake

KILLMAN

Hey, check it out. Four years ago, they didn’t

know the only thing the Large Hadron Collider

would do would be to turn all of the orangutans

in the world black.

SQUIDJEW

Wh? What? Where is this place? Oh. Fuck, we’re

not done, are we?

KILLMAN

Nope.

SHUFFLING (o.s.) as crew members get ready out of shot.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Okay, quiet on the set. Let’s do this.

CAMERA MAN (O.S.)

Camera roll.

SOUND ENGINEER (O.S.)

Sound roll.

Crew member steps in front of Killman and SquidJew with the clapper, which reads

JUSTICE TRIO PSA #3 – TAKE VII

CREW MEMBER

Justice Trio PSA number 3. Take seven.

He smacks the clapper and moves out of shot.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Action.

SquidJew looks up at the camera.

SQUIDJEW

Oh, hi thar. I didn’t see you come in, so wrapped

up in deep, sexy thoughts was I. Ladies, I’m

single. But that’s not what I wanted to talk

about. I wanted to talk about not getting upset.

Right, Killman?

KILLMAN

Yup.

He flips a page in the magazine.

SQUIDJEW

Cause, getting upset? That’s just meshuggene.

After all, Killman, did we get upset when Archie

was eaten by the kraken?

KILLMAN

I was more terrified when Herr Shark ripped off

Steve’s head like it was a leaf from a branch.

SQUIDJEW

Er, right. Well. Um, so yeah, kids, and adults,

the thing you should remember is that when you

are upset, then you’re not thinking right good.

No kidding, you get all stupid and whatnot.

KILLMAN

You must be downright livid right now.

SQUIDJEW

Shut the fuck up, hippie.

Killman puts the magazine on the side table, adjusts his gloves, and taps SquidJew on the head.

KILLMAN

What my foul-mouthed companion is trying to say

is that your mind isn’t clear when you’re upset.

You can’t think, you can’t reason, you go just

a bit insane.

SQUIDJEW

That’s what I said.

KILLMAN

So remember: Next time you find yourself in a

tight spot, don’t get upset, that’d be insane.

He grins at the camera.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Cut.

Killman leans back in the couch.