SQUIDJEW and ALEKSANDER—28, pasty with curly black hair, wearing a black pea coat, jeans, and boots—stand at a bar in a roadhouse. It is dimly lit, with a few stools near the bar, some tables and chairs scattered around. Rock music PLAYS from some speakers around the walls.
SquidJew turns around, faces the camera, and READS from a teleprompter, as before.
Oh, hello there. I did not see you come in. How about this
He LAUGHS, timidly.
We’re here today to see you—wait. To see that you don’t—wait.
It’s on the fucking prompter!
I can’t see for shit, this lighting is the worst.
Aleksander turns around.
Da, I agree with cousin Jew of Squid. It is hard to see.
He SLAMS his fist on the stool next to him.
And where is innkeeper? I had better service in Russia.
There is no innkeeper, there is no bartender. We’ve told you,
this is a soundstage. Do you want brighter lights? Would that
make it easier for you guys?
Hey, sorry if having it so your stars can see is a hassle.
Da. If I want to be blind, I will drink!
He BURSTS into laughter and SMACKS SquidJew on his back.
SquidJew doubles over in pain.
Son of a bitch, Aleks.
The lights go up.
Aleksander takes a silver flask from his pea coat and takes a swig.
Da. Much, my friend.
What is that?
He points to the flask.
Is vodka, my friend. Would you like some?
You can’t drink on the set.
The director SNAPS his fingers and a CREW MEMBER, 19, walks on to the set, takes the flask, and walks back off.
You will pay for that.
I’m sure. Go from the top.
The two turn back towards the bar. The music STARTS BACK UP.
SquidJew turns and smiles at the camera.
Ah, hi there. Didn’t see you.
He jerks a thumb at the bar.
How bout this service, am I correct? Hey, Aleksander,
Look at who’s here.
Aleksander turns. He glares at the Director, saying his lines in an even deeper Russian accent.
Well. Hello there, fellow Houstonian comrades. We did
not hear you come in, what with the raucous drinking.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Cut. Look, Ivan, can you cut the threatening tone? This is a
P.S.A., for God’s sake.
…Right. From Ivan’s last line.
We came here for a drink, but as long as you’re here, we
have something to tell you, right Aleksander the Drunk?
Aleksander still stares at the Director.
Da, cousin. Drinking can be fun, but it can also be
dangerous. I will kill you, Mr. Director, for taking my flask.
Cut. Fine, give the freak his flask back.
The crew member returns the flask. Aleksander breaks into a grin and holds it up in the air.
He drinks from the flask.
From the last line. Action.
Drinking can be fun, but it can also be dangerous. After
all, not everyone, like me, can drink Death to death.
That’s right. Nor should they even try, because that would be
They mimic a baseball umpire’s ‘out’ motion.
And we don’t like bad ideas, do we?
Niet, cousin. Bad ideas are bad. As we say in motherland--
He pauses, cocks his head to the side.
We do not say that in Russia. We do not call it motherland.
I am insulted by your insensitivity.
Cut. I don’t give a rat’s ass. You got your flask back. Read the
lines so we can get out of here. Action.
As we say in motherland, “A bird in hand is worth two
Aleksander, once more giving the Director a death glare, takes a swig from his flask.
I hear that. I wouldn’t have been able to take down
Dr. Omnikill if I’d been blind drunk.
SquidJew cocks his head to one side.
I didn’t kill Dr. Omnikill. Killman killed
It doesn’t matter. Next line. Keep it moving.
So remember guys and gals: Don’t let good times
go bad by drinking too much.
And always remember friend water.
STAGE HANDS begin ripping apart the set.
DIRECTOR (OS, cont’d)
Finally. I’m getting tired of being stuck on hero duty.
You fucks can’t act worth a damn, you know that?
You want for to make act? I will make act outside head!
You will think rock is dog!
Aleksander takes a bottle of vodka from his flask and chucks it at the Director, who flees the set.