A Public Service Announcement from The Justice Trio

SQUIDJEW and ALEKSANDER—28, pasty with curly black hair, wearing a black pea coat, jeans, and boots—stand at a bar in a roadhouse. It is dimly lit, with a few stools near the bar, some tables and chairs scattered around. Rock music PLAYS from some speakers around the walls.

SquidJew turns around, faces the camera, and READS from a teleprompter, as before.

SQUIDJEW

Oh, hello there. I did not see you come in. How about this

service, huh?

He LAUGHS, timidly.

SQUIDJEW (CONT’D)

We’re here today to see you—wait. To see that you don’t—wait.

DIRECTOR (OS)

It’s on the fucking prompter!

SQUIDJEW

I can’t see for shit, this lighting is the worst.

Aleksander turns around.

ALEKSANDER

Da, I agree with cousin Jew of Squid. It is hard to see.

He SLAMS his fist on the stool next to him.

ALEKSANDER (CONT’D)

And where is innkeeper? I had better service in Russia.

DIRECTOR (OS)

There is no innkeeper, there is no bartender. We’ve told you,

this is a soundstage. Do you want brighter lights? Would that

make it easier for you guys?

SQUIDJEW

Hey, sorry if having it so your stars can see is a hassle.

ALEKSANDER

Da. If I want to be blind, I will drink!

He BURSTS into laughter and SMACKS SquidJew on his back.

SquidJew doubles over in pain.

SQUIDJEW

Son of a bitch, Aleks.

The lights go up.

DIRECTOR (OS)

Better?

SQUIDJEW

Much.

Aleksander takes a silver flask from his pea coat and takes a swig.

ALEKSANDER

Da. Much, my friend.

DIRECTOR (OS)

What is that?

ALEKSANDER

What? This?

He points to the flask.

ALEKSANDER (cont’d)

Is vodka, my friend. Would you like some?

DIRECTOR (OS)

You can’t drink on the set.

The director SNAPS his fingers and a CREW MEMBER, 19, walks on to the set, takes the flask, and walks back off.

ALEKSANDER

You will pay for that.

DIRECTOR (OS)

I’m sure. Go from the top.

The two turn back towards the bar. The music STARTS BACK UP.

SquidJew turns and smiles at the camera.

SQUIDJEW

Ah, hi there. Didn’t see you.

He jerks a thumb at the bar.

SQUIDJEW (cont’d)

How bout this service, am I correct? Hey, Aleksander,

Look at who’s here.

Aleksander turns. He glares at the Director, saying his lines in an even deeper Russian accent.

ALEKSANDER

Well. Hello there, fellow Houstonian comrades. We did

not hear you come in, what with the raucous drinking.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

DIRECTOR (OS)

Cut. Look, Ivan, can you cut the threatening tone? This is a

P.S.A., for God’s sake.

ALEKSANDER

Fuck you.

DIRECTOR (OS)

…Right. From Ivan’s last line.

SQUIDJEW

We came here for a drink, but as long as you’re here, we

have something to tell you, right Aleksander the Drunk?

Aleksander still stares at the Director.

ALEKSANDER

Da, cousin. Drinking can be fun, but it can also be

dangerous. I will kill you, Mr. Director, for taking my flask.

DIRECTOR (OS)

Cut. Fine, give the freak his flask back.

The crew member returns the flask. Aleksander breaks into a grin and holds it up in the air.

ALEKSANDER

Nastrovia!

He drinks from the flask.

DIRECTOR (OS)

From the last line. Action.

ALEKSANDER

Drinking can be fun, but it can also be dangerous. After

all, not everyone, like me, can drink Death to death.

SQUIDJEW

That’s right. Nor should they even try, because that would be

a--

BOTH

Bad idea.

They mimic a baseball umpire’s ‘out’ motion.

SQUIDJEW

And we don’t like bad ideas, do we?

ALEKSANDER

Niet, cousin. Bad ideas are bad. As we say in motherland--

He pauses, cocks his head to the side.

ALEKSANDER (cont’d)

We do not say that in Russia. We do not call it motherland.

I am insulted by your insensitivity.

DIRECTOR (OS)

Cut. I don’t give a rat’s ass. You got your flask back. Read the

lines so we can get out of here. Action.

ALEKSANDER

As we say in motherland, “A bird in hand is worth two

in bush.”

Aleksander, once more giving the Director a death glare, takes a swig from his flask.

SQUIDJEW

I hear that. I wouldn’t have been able to take down

Dr. Omnikill if I’d been blind drunk.

SquidJew cocks his head to one side.

SQUIDJEW (cont’d)

I didn’t kill Dr. Omnikill. Killman killed

Dr. Omnikill.

DIRECTOR

It doesn’t matter. Next line. Keep it moving.

SQUIDJEW

So remember guys and gals: Don’t let good times

go bad by drinking too much.

ALEKSANDER

And always remember friend water.

DIRECTOR (OS)

Cut.

STAGE HANDS begin ripping apart the set.

DIRECTOR (OS, cont’d)

Finally. I’m getting tired of being stuck on hero duty.

You fucks can’t act worth a damn, you know that?

ALEKSANDER

(screaming)

You want for to make act? I will make act outside head!

You will think rock is dog!

Aleksander takes a bottle of vodka from his flask and chucks it at the Director, who flees the set.