INT. – MENTAL ASYLUM – LOBBY - DAY
The entrance lobby of an asylum. SQUIDJEW, wearing his typical uniform and squid hand puppet/hat, and KILLMAN 5000, also wearing his day-to-day uniform, sit on a couch and read magazines. Above the puke-green colored bit of furniture, there is a mostly white sheet of paper in a frame. The only drawing on the piece of paper is a bright yellow circle in the middle of the page.
SquidJew looks up at the camera.
Ah, hello. I did not see you come in. You know, when
Killman and I have to deal with problems in Houston,
we don’t get mad or upset. Do we, Killman?
Killman continues looking at the sheet of paper in front of him.
You do, SquidJew. That’s kind of your thing.
Cut. I am sick and fucking tired of you fucking
superheroes. When will you learn that you have to
memorize the script?
Killman looks up, just to the left of the camera.
Oh, I’m sorry, Herr Kubrick. I didn’t know this was a
work of cinematic brilliance. Perhaps we should shoot
in black and white to get some fucking ambience.
I will not tolerate being insulted by a God-damned
actor. Especially one who can—
Killman leaps up from the couch, throws the magazine to the left of the camera—SMACKING a boom mic in the process—and points his finger towards where the magazine went.
One more word and I swear to God I will touch you.
Wanna be boiled alive from the inside, motherfucker?
A very uncomfortable silence follows. A crew member (O.S.) COUGHS. Killman nods and sits back down.
SquidJew, shocked, stares at Killman.
That was fuckin intense.
Killman shrugs and picks up another magazine from a side table. He opens it and starts reading.
I hate doing these PSAs. This one’s got to be
the worst we’ve done.
Just wait until the next one.
What’s it going to be?
I don’t know, but it’s going to be bad, I can
tell you that.
SHUFFLING (o.s.) as the two superheros sit on the couch. SquidJew twiddles his thumbs.
DIRECTOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Okay. Can we get the cue cards up here? Let’s
Camera jiggles a second. Crew member with clapper steps in front of SquidJew and Killman. Chalk words on the front, which read
JUSTICE TRIO PSA #3 – TAKE VI
Justice Trio PSA number 3. Take six.
He SMACKS the top of the clapper and walks out of the shot.
SquidJew looks up and smiles.
Oh, hello. I didn’t see you come in. Y’know, when
Killman 5000 and I have to save the day down here
deep in the heart of Texas, we don’t get upset. Do
And why would that be?
It’d be stupid.
That’s right, children and adults. When
you get upset, then you can’t think as
well as you normally do.
(under his breath)
Kind of like when you’re being screched
at by a wannabe Hitchcock.
SquidJew LAUGHS stiltedly.
When you’re upset, bad things happen. Say,
Killman, what do you think would have
happened if I had been upset when we had to
go up against The Land Salmon?
What, the fish that you talked to before Demo
crushed it with a construction crane?
Killman tosses the magazine aside and props his feet up on the table in front of them.
I reckon we would have actually had to have
fought Herr Shark instead of waiting for a
school of fish to rip him to shreds, why?
SquidJew squints at a point just below the camera.
That wasn’t in the script.
Cut. Neither was anything about a land salmon.
I felt the script needed a little fresh air.
You know, it needed to be brought to life a
You’re mixing your metaphors.
The director SIGHS.
CREW MEMBER (O.S.)
We need a union break. It’s getting to eleven
o’clock. Union regs state we get a break then.
Of course, union regs. Fine. Everyone break for
twenty. Can we get a couple scripts for these
CREW MEMBER (O.S.)
Nope, we’re on break.
Killman picks up yet another magazine.
This magazine’s four years old. How about a
And hey, let’s forego the script. Killman and I
used to do improv in college. We got this. Theme’s
I never did improv in college.
But you know what it is.
Good enough. You know more than most people
doing improv at a college level.
Fine, after the break you can improv. Just hit
the tagline: “Don’t get upset, that’d be insane.”
TWENTY MINUTES LATER.
SquidJew is asleep on the couch, SNORING. Killman pokes him awake
Hey, check it out. Four years ago, they didn’t
know the only thing the Large Hadron Collider
would do would be to turn all of the orangutans
in the world black.
Wh? What? Where is this place? Oh. Fuck, we’re
not done, are we?
SHUFFLING (o.s.) as crew members get ready out of shot.
Okay, quiet on the set. Let’s do this.
CAMERA MAN (O.S.)
SOUND ENGINEER (O.S.)
Crew member steps in front of Killman and SquidJew with the clapper, which reads
JUSTICE TRIO PSA #3 – TAKE VII
Justice Trio PSA number 3. Take seven.
He smacks the clapper and moves out of shot.
SquidJew looks up at the camera.
Oh, hi thar. I didn’t see you come in, so wrapped
up in deep, sexy thoughts was I. Ladies, I’m
single. But that’s not what I wanted to talk
about. I wanted to talk about not getting upset.
He flips a page in the magazine.
Cause, getting upset? That’s just meshuggene.
After all, Killman, did we get upset when Archie
was eaten by the kraken?
I was more terrified when Herr Shark ripped off
Steve’s head like it was a leaf from a branch.
Er, right. Well. Um, so yeah, kids, and adults,
the thing you should remember is that when you
are upset, then you’re not thinking right good.
No kidding, you get all stupid and whatnot.
You must be downright livid right now.
Shut the fuck up, hippie.
Killman puts the magazine on the side table, adjusts his gloves, and taps SquidJew on the head.
What my foul-mouthed companion is trying to say
is that your mind isn’t clear when you’re upset.
You can’t think, you can’t reason, you go just
a bit insane.
That’s what I said.
So remember: Next time you find yourself in a
tight spot, don’t get upset, that’d be insane.
He grins at the camera.
Killman leans back in the couch.